My Best Friend!!

Jackson has gotten so big.  He is now four years old and I am his best friend.  He loves me and I have to say that I love him just as much if not more!! Every Friday night he ends up at my house and hangs out with me.  I have to admit that I love it.  I was so nervous when I stopped tending him.  I figured that he wouldn't remember me as much as the other kids would.  That he wouldn't love me as much, boy was I wrong!! I am so grateful for every chance I get to spend with this little guy!! I love that he tells everyone that I am his best friend!! I must admit, he is my best friend too!!

Change, Regrets and ME!!!

I learned something new the past couple of weeks.   Just like a new years resolution some people choose a word that they are going to imput into their lives for the new year. I have been thinking about this long and hard and I finally decided that this is something that I am going to try this year.  So here it goes, I am sharing my word with the world and my friends.  My word is ME!!  Now, I know what some of you are thinking....that this word is stupid, right?? Well for me it is the most complicated word in my vocabulary.  I am one to always put everyones needs before my own. I feel like I don't even know myself anymore.  I am not trying to toot my own horn or anything but it is the truth.  I cannot remember the last time I actually did something for myself.  Thinking about my life and where I am makes me have some regrets.  I dont want to have any regrets.  So, this year I am going to think about ME more.   I just hope I can do it.   There are a lot of things that I need to do and let go of and this is the perfect year to accomplish this.  I need to take care of myself.  That is what I have decided.  With the support of my amazing sisters and Mom I think I can accomplish my goals and think about ME more!!  I am really excited for this.  I just hope that I can do it!!
 :)

Crying, its good right?

So, I did something really stupid tonight.  I watched the video that my cousin put together for Brittons funeral.  She did an amazing job.  I haven't watched this video in 9 months.  Mostly because I cant make it through without crying like a baby.  Second, because I cant tell if they are sad tears or realizing that I am going to be okay tears.  I miss Britton so much.  I know that I say that a lot on here but I feel like this is the only way that I can say it.  Britton meant so much to me.  He was a huge part of my life and it is so hard for me to think that I am going to be okay without him.  I don't want to be okay without him.  I almost don't want to move on without him but I know that is what I need to do. Britton is looking down on me and I know that he doesn't want me to be sad.  He wants to look down and see that I am doing okay.  I will never forget my little man.  I will never forget his smile and his laugh.  I will never forget him.  I am so grateful that I get to see this video and remember all of the fun times that Britton had in his life.  I know that I will cry, but that is okay because I know that I am getting through this. 

Fall Semester!!

Tonight I turned in my last and final paper for the semester.  I took on a full load this semester and I am so grateful for the break!! This semester kicked my butt!!! I am just grateful that I made it through.  Thanks to all of those that heard me complain and had faith in me and made me keep going!! It is because of you that I survived!! Yay, I did it!!

A YEAR....

Britton and I in 2009

2nd grade picture

 Monday marked a year since Britton passed away.   Although I tried to keep myself busy at work and school it still  didn't change that fact that I had a few break downs and tears.  Man, I miss that boy, more than anyone knows.  I miss him so much sometimes I can't breathe.  I remember when I got the call that Britton had been rushed to the emergency room, I thought maybe he needed an IV or something, then they told me that he had stopped breathing and they were doing CPR, I remember everything going foggy.  I just kept thinking please, please don't let this happen but it did. I remember a lot about that night.   I still remember the smell of the room they sat us in when we got to the hospital.   I remember an old man helping me calm down and focus when we heard the news that Britton had passed away.  I will never forget the love that this stranger showed me that night. He was amazing.  I remember walking into the room and seeing Keli and Buddy.  I remember a lot of things. Little details. Some I might share another day.  But the one thing that stands out the most to me was my family.  I remember sitting there holding Brittons little hand and realizing that my whole family was in that room.  They were all there.   I am so grateful that I have a family that sticks together.  My brothers and sisters and I have been through a lot in this life.  We have lost our father and that night a son/nephew.  I think that these trials have made us stronger and closer.  I realized that night that I am a lucky girl.  I am lucky because my family is so close.  Britton has set the bar high for all of us but I know that we will all be together someday.  I will see Britton again, just like I will see my dad.  I am so grateful for the gospel and for the knowledge that I have of eternal families!! I cannot wait for the day when I get to see my Britton.  I know I will cry, but it will be tears of joy and happiness. 

Britton LOVED Harry Potter!! He was so excited when I got a wand!! This is my FAVORITE pic!!

Heaven

The past couple have days I have been thinking about how cool Heaven must be. Almost a year ago I read this book called, "The Message" By Lance Richardson, it was amazing.  When Britton passed away I was curious, curious about where he was and what he was doing.  I think that goes through everyone's mind when they lose a loved one.  This book helped me and was what I really needed at the time. It is about a Man who suddenly goes into a coma. While he is in this coma he visits Heaven.  He explains the way he felt, the scenery, how peaceful and calm it is.   I am actually jealous of all of my loved ones that are there. How awesome would it be to not have any stress or worries. 

 I really like this quote! The first time I saw it was a year ago.  Keli got it on a tile just after Britton had passed away!!  It helped me in a time when I thought the world was ending.  I know that Britton is in heaven and that he is safe and sound.  I am so grateful for the little piece of heaven I feel each day!! Without that, I wouldn't know what to do.

Shoes

Britton's shoes that he left on the front porch last Thanksgiving

 My sweet nephew Britton passed away almost a year ago.  I just wanted to share a little bit about this amazing boy because he was someone that you could never forget.  Britton loved hot dogs and corn dogs.  I used to play a song called "Corn dogs" by Ryan Shupe and the Rubber band.  He would sing it at the top of his lungs.  Once he told me that he thought that song was made made just for him.  Britton was smart, silly, and happy.  There were three different types of Britton.  Happy, Sad,and Mad Britton.  Everyday, the minute he woke up, you knew which Britton you were going to get that day.  :)  Britton loved his toys.  He always knew where every single toy that he owned was,  at all times.  I remember one time he dropped a Dinosaur at our cabin.  He insisted a year later that we go look for it and he knew right where he dropped it. He loved his bike, policemen and fire fighters. Britton was a very giving person.  He would always make sure his brothers and sister were taken care of before he would do anything for himself.  Britton loved his cousins and family.  He loved his Mom and was his Dad's best friend.  Britton loved his Sponge Bob footy pajamas along with his cowboy boots.  Britton loved being a cowboy.  Last year at this time, he would come home everyday change into his cowboy outfit, complete with vest and boots.  Britton loved jokes and making people laugh.  His favorite joke was, What did the beaver say to the other beaver........shut the dam door!! I don't know what was more funny, the joke or the fact that he couldn't tell it without laughing.  

Britton and his BEST FRIEND

These are only a few things on the list of things that I love about Britton.  I miss him more than anyone could ever know. This past year has been the most trying year of my life. I never imagined that I would lose a nephew/son in my life. Britton was like mine.  I was with him almost everyday since he was born.   Keli always said that there was something about Britton that made him special. I always believed it too.  He was such an amazing little kid and I can only imagine the accomplishments he is making in heaven.  I am so grateful for the plan of salvation and eternal families.  Britton placed the Bar very high when he passed away.  But I know I will be with him again one day.  Britton, you are my hero, I miss your smile, your laugh, and just YOU!! I hope you are proud of all of us here on earth. I am sure proud of you. Love Stacy